new lesson: sometimes, i hit a wall…

and that’s okay.

at least, that’s what i have to tell myself right now. i was cruising along and taking names, as previously discussed, right through monday. it felt awesome.

tuesday – pffzzt.

today – pfiffle.

to be fair, i wrote probably 3 pages on tuesday.
to be honest, every one of them was crap. truly.
worse, still, a couple of monday’s pages turned out to be misdirected and therefore unusable, too.
i hit a place in the story where my outline was much more shallow than it should have been. looking back, i remember feeling very positive about being able to fill it in on the fly.

ha. ha. ha.

the last couple of days were a lot of driving (appointments, previous engagements, interviews, visiting my grandmother for the first time in far too long [hi gram! and please don’t check this blog for grammar!]), but i took the paper and pencil with me and sat in the car in between times and forced myself through the block. i hated it, and all the words felt like sludge being dragged out of the bottom of an ancient carburetor (okay, i don’t know what a carburetor is, does, or whether it can have sludge or not, but too bad). i lost all the wind of the last two weeks of smooth sailing. i was dead in the water, paddling in place.

not a happy time.

the forced writing continued, and eventually became less aimless doodling and more actual words, and from there evolved back into a more detailed sub-outline, which is where i should have been in the first place. it wasn’t quite there yet, but before i slipped back into brooding self-pity, i put myself in front of the computer with the remaining handwritten pages. typing them in brought me back to the place where the energy was, where things felt good, and where i believed in the story, in the characters, and in my ability to do it justice (and even without typing them all up, i have 95 pages, or nearly 1/3 done!). the truth of whether i succeeded or not, obviously, lies in the hands of potential readers some time from now, but for the moment, for today, it put my mind back in the right place, and i can’t wait for tomorrow morning after a good night’s sleep.

on reflection, i had to know this was going to happen at some point. it’s rather like being sick. i don’t actually enjoy being sick (truly sick, i mean), but whenever i am sick, i always look forward to that moment when i wake up, breathe deep and feel alive again. if i were never sick, how would i know what it felt like to be healthy? how could i know to be thankful?